Current Events #1
PUTIN’S WAR
So russia decided to invade ukraine recently and the whole world is mad. Russian president vladimir putin claims that ukraine is being a bit messy and getting too friendly with nazis. The rest of the world thinks that this is just an excuse for him to take over the country that he says was always a part of russia anyway. sound familiar? That’s because Israel has been using the same excuse to annex palestinian land since the 1940s. According to wikipedia, roughly 67 active conflicts are going on around the world. 28 in africa, 16 in Asia, 15 in the middle east, 4 in europe, and 4 in the en- tire americas. This is why we need open borders, I think.
Ugly’s opinion on Putin
It should be acknowledged that Bill Clinton and the American government rigged the 1996 Russian election for President Boris Yeltsin, the guy who appointed Putin as his successor… Just putting it out there. Fun fact: Boris Yeltsin used to get so hammered on state visits, he would take his pants off and run around DC looking for pizza while the secret service chased him like the roadrunner. He got nabbed outside a jumbo slice spot once.
TRUCKERS?
You never think your city is going to be overrun by truckers until it’s too late. For weeks we heard stories about canadian truckers doing things in canada and being general nuisances. That was a canadian problem though, we never thought that the violence would spill over and flood the streets of DC. that’s exactly what happened. For a few weeks now, a group of truckers from all over the country have been circling the beltway and occasionally driving around downtown dc creating trouble for anyone with a car. It’s not clear what the truckers’ motive is or even if they have one but we hope they find a new place to roam very soon.
Ugly’s opinion on Ukraine
America has been sending a lot of guns to Ukranian Nazis. It fucking rocks. I’d bet my left pinky that we have a white ISIS by 2027, at the latest. Glassy-eyed slavic men declaring the European equivalent of a fatwa against Russian men with the exact same name.
Roaches Return
Summer 2022 marks the first time since 1918 that the extremely fluffy and toxic ravenous roaches return to the eastcoast of the United States. Known for their raven-like wings and bright yellow venom, these creatures appear every 96 years to terrorize cities along the coast. These roaches are very wild, they tend to be attracted to colorful hair such as blue, green, and red so bisexuals beware! Turbans and balaclavas have been proven as a good way to fend them away. Be careful when jogging on the sidewalks this summer as that is their preferred breeding ground and they are very territorial creatures. Despite their cute and cuddly appearance, do not approach these bugs, though they do not bite, they squirt out an extremely venomous yellow liquid that causes the recipient to ejaculate for days uncontrollably
Bezos Set to Form Union
As locals and activists have continually rebuffed his attempts to whitewash his name and legacy—his recent attempt to rename the MLK library after himself was shot down—Jeff Bezos has come up with another plan. He has revealed plans to form a union for a group that has been historically marginalized and is often left out of the conversation. Billionaires desereve a larger voice says Bezos. Despite the fact that they control most of the world’s wealth, Bezos doesn’t believe that the billionaires of the world are living up to their potential. If they all put their money and minds together, they could create any reality that they wanted on this earth (or beyond) independent of governments. The biggest obstacle for Jeff though, is that an organization just like that already exists and its leader, Tupac Shakur(yes) is very upset. Those close to ‘Pac have said that he is threatening to have Bezos “canceled” if he does not stop. Further confusing the matter is the fact that Tupac actually face-swapped with Bezos after his disappearance and rumored death in 1996. in this classic “face//off” scenario, we won’t be able to tell who is who until it is too late.