UGLY’S ADVENTURE’S IN HOSPITAL FINE DINING

Kaiser Permanente
They had the best sandwiches. Nothing special. They just tasted good, and they give you as many as you want. These white nurses were relentless in their pursuit of my sandwiches. I gained 2 pounds.
KAISER 7/10

Georgetown ER
These motherfuckers gave me full course meals, like all the fixings, shit was OD, but they tasted like plastic half the time. I lost 2 pounds.
GEORGETOWN ER 6/10

Georgetown psych ward
Spoon foods - they only gave us... “special guys” spoons, so everything they served had the consistency of extra-thick oatmeal. We were British peasants gumming at our rootless gruel. Also, my roommate looked like Wallace Shawn [he played Vizzini in The Princess Bride; the guy who kept saying “indubitably.”) He told me no one loved me, then gave me his half-eaten applesauce. He was chill.
GEORGETOWN PSYCH 4/10

Medstar
They just gave me crackers. That’s how they roll.
MEDSTAR 2/10

George Washington University
You god damn swine merchants. I’m Ethiopian Orthodox (we don’t partake in the hog) so to make it easier, I always steal Muslim Valor and check the Halal box, but they kept giving me fucking ham sandwiches. Giant portions, New York deli-sized portions. They wanted me to feel the succulent ham juices sliding down my chin like the first bite into a Florida orange. It felt like they were mocking me. I should have taken a photo. Either way, shout out to Nurse Fawziya getting me turkey sandwiches and complaining about Israel with me.
GW 0/10
FAWZIYA 12/10