fre$hmen

Originally Published December 2023

Cmillano
Mercury
Peso Pluma
Namani
Ayooli
Seiji Oda
KPSKYWALKA
Jenn Carter
Niontay
OG MarlynMonROLLUP
MSPAINT
Vayda
Sideshow
BLP KOSHER
Jim Legxacy
Tia Corine
ODUMODUBLVCK
BAMBII The Dare
youngfootsoldier
ItGirl
Subiibabii
Hondees
Nia Archives
Dav1d
FearDorian
xaviersobased
800pts
Fimiguerrero
Oodaredevil
Stiffy
AJRadico
EthanUno
h1mward
CLIP
Bb trickz
BXKS
Shygirl
Tommy Richman

UGLY IS AT PEACE

sacrificing my drive and personal ambition to be a former gifted kid with burnout

baile total funk

I know it’s extremely cliche to say, but music truly is like a drug to me, in the sense that I am always looking for the next hit. I’m always looking for something that’s crazier, more abrasive, weirder, etc. I adore music that feels like a meltdown, something that feels like it’s on the brink of collapse. That moment right before you die. Just like how drug addicts search out the same batches that caused someone else to overdose, I need music that is too mad for most.

My absolute favorite musical occurrence this year has been the resurgence and complete explosion of baile funk. Let’s be clear, Brazilian funk has been around for decades in different iterations. The stuff that’s been coming out in recent years, though, is different from anything I have ever heard, in any genre. These kids are combining sounds that God never intended and creating beautiful music in the process. You never know what to expect once you hit play, and that is the shit right there.

Ugly Loves His Wife

my wife and I don’t believe in traditional gender roles,, every night after cooking HER dinner, she creampies me before meeting her mistress at a motel

ABORTION

There’s a war going on outside, and it’s not the one you’re thinking of. It’s between men and uteri. For centuries, men have laid claim to women’s bodies through a combination of manifest destiny, religion, and “we were here first” logic. Throughout history, men have created laws and policies policing what women can and can’t do with their bodies and minds. Slowly, women have made progress, such as gaining the right to choose who they marry and even voting in elections. The war is far from over, though, as the final frontier is yet to be conquered: abortions. The war was thought to have been won when women conquered abortion in the 1973 battle of Roe v. Wade, but a surprise attack by some male leftovers in 2022 left them no longer in control of their own uteruses.

Ugly talks about 2024

stop telling me to vote, I did, but the Give me Liberty, or Give me Death boys created a system where they appoint 9 prep school rapists to rule for eternity as philosopher kings

VOTE?

Once again, we are approaching the great virtue-signal olympics. A prestigious event that only occurs once every four years but (allegedly) holds consequences that reverberate for many years to come. As always, the American people are tasked with a decision: Do we go with the same boring guy as the last 4 years, or throw a wrench in the plans and hope for a little bit of excitement from the cheeto guy? It’s a tough choice. Both guys are pretty old and exhibiting signs of dementia. Both are war criminals, though one is probably a criminal in many other ways(and might be imprisoned shortly). One guy is soooooo funny though

Ugly Counterpoint-

I personally think 2020 drove people more insane. I watched the minds of my peers slide into medieval peasant paranoia. My uncle stopped talking to my mom on the phone because of 5G. Everyone believes in giants on TikTok. I could very easily start a cult, and I am not very charismatic.

Global chilling... out

Something mad happened in 2020... everyone chilled out. As a society, we all decided to stop giving a fuck all the way. It was so cool. Everyone pretty much accepted that they were all trying way too hard to do their jobs, and it didn’t matter at the end of the day. It helped that there was a massive pandemic that caused everyone to stay home and realize how truly useless their jobs were. Shit just isn’t that serious, who cares if your doctor takes a couple shots before surgery... You have no idea what he’s going through. For all you know, you could be neurodivergent, or even worse, a minor. Who cares if the bus driver needs to make a couple of extra stops to sell recreational drugs... he’s just trying to feed his family. I think it’s absolutely beautiful that we as a society have accepted the futility of giving a fuck.

Ugly Talks About Royalty

imagining a British guy who no longer respects the monarchy, but only because the royal family stopped inbreeding

Ugly’s opinion on Israel

Israel’s ideology is fascism based around the idea that they’re God’s nepo baby, The lord’s special little guy

Amy Schumer Appointed Queen of Gaza

In a landslide victory that Hillary Clinton would envy, Amy Schumer has been unanimously elected queen of the newly conquered Jewish state of Gaza by the Jews who rule the world. The main factor in her victory has been her staunch support of Israel in its war on Palestinian children. Her unwavering defense of the IDF tactics, such as bombing of hospitals and blocking of lifesaving aid from reaching Gaza, has not gone unnoticed. In her victory speech, she stated that she “Didn’t even know this was a thing” and “doesn’t understand why she’s being tied up and blindfolded.” Without a doubt, Amy will go down as the greatest Jew in history for her incessant posting about the genocide occurring in Palestine.

UGLY HAS A TOXIC EX

crying, telling my friends that I lost the Mandate of Heaven because my shitty ex blamed blamed me for poor crop yields

UGLY MEETS SOMEONE SPECIAL

UGLY: so, here’s a photo I took of Pusha T, that’s JT, she’s in City Girls, oh and here’s Bill Nye, remember him? Bill Nye rocked! it was awesome when Ms. Jalinsky would let us watch his show in class.

WELL-ADJUSTED COLLEGE GIRL: [texting her friend “help” under the table] that’s such vibes, hey I think my friends are looking for me, I’ll be right back, don’t move

DearShawtok!

DearShawtok!
My partner and I have been together for three years, and lately, it feels like we’re speaking different languages. We used to have deep convos but now it’s like we’re just going through the motions. Every time we try to discuss our feelings we just end up misunderstanding each other. How can we bridge this communication gap and reconnect?

A: Yerrrrrrr! Aight the first thing you need to do is make your issue known. It’s unfair to not only your partner but yourself as well to not speak on your grievance. If there’s an issue, calmly and rationally explain that you feel like you’re not seeing eye to eye and that you wanna do whatever it takes to bridge that gap! Clothes mouths don’t get fed! Stop what’s currently a speedbump from turning into a big ass pothole before you lose ya damn muffler! And if need be, reach out to a neutral, mutual friend of the both of yours and let them google translate your emotions so y’all can hear each other loud and clear cuz I’m sure you both want to make this work. Ok? OK!

DearShawtok!
I feel like I’m at a crux in my relationship. The other day I found out through a third party that my partner’s been keeping something from me, and I can’t help but feel a growing sense of mistrust. I love them, with all my heart, but the lack of transparency has me losing sleep. How can we rebuild trust, and is it possible to move past such a betrayal?

A: Aw damn gang that’s crazy smh. Trust and respect are like the backbones of any relationship, not just romantic ones. I’ve been through some shit like that before and honestly you gotta ask yourself if you value love or respect more. I say indirect assertive, not aggressive, confrontation is the best solution. Allude to being suspicious and kind of clue them in to the fact that you know, without saying you know; then allow them the chance to come clean. If they admit the truth, know that they respect you enough to tell you the truth even if it’s difficult for them and then decide if you think the relationship is worth salvaging. If they act like they don’t know what you’re talking about with a straight face when it’s obvious they do... walk out that do’ and don’t come back no mo’. Because while anybody that’ll sit in your face and lie to you values having you in their life, but they are too selfish to not do the thing they don’t want you to know and don’t have enough respect for you to give you the autonomy to leave them if you knew what they were hiding. And at that point... it’s a dub! Ok? OK!

DearShawtok!
My partner and I are both successful driven people with demanding jobs which is sort of what sparked our initial attraction. But lately, it feels like our relationship is taking a back seat to our professional lives. We barely have time for each other, and when we do, we’re too drained to really get to bask in each other’s presence. How can we balance our careers and maintain a healthy, thriving relationship? I don’t want our love to take a backseat to our ambitions.

A: Damn slime y’all ass must be capricorns or something lol. But seriously, work-life bal- ance is some shit that’s been spankin niggas way before Maslow’nem ever needed a hier- archy fr. The good news is it seems like the both of you are equally yoked in this situation so the most important thing you can do is empathize with each other since neither party is really at fault. At the end of the day you’re both grinding right now so you can have a better brighter future together I would assume. But you can’t let that spark die while in that pursuit! Utilize that PTO! Facetime each other at lunch! Set aside a day or two out of the week where y’all do something passionate, not just romantic. If you put the same effort into your relationship as you do your careers I’m positive everything will work out. If you continuously water the seed of your relationship in the present, I promise it’ll bloom into a tree that grants you shade in the future. Ok? OK!

UGLY SENT YOU A DM

heyy :) I love your work,, it really inspires me,, u need to respond, fans like me Made it possible for you to sell your toenail clippings on etsy

YOUTH CULTURES!(?)

STREETWEAR

-Baggy pants
-Graphic tee shirts
-Still checks Supreme every week
-Goes to the skatepark for inspiration

GORPCORE

-Enjoys hiking
-Loves granola
-In tune with nature
-Always overdressed for the weather but
-Ready for any natural disaster at all times.

VINTAGE

-Smokes foreign cigarettes
-Lives at the thrift store
-Overpays for old t-shirts
-Has a trust fund

Y2K

-Neon
-The biggest pants you’ve ever seen
-Is currently on an insane amount of MDMA
-High-visibility clothing.
-Could blind a deer

OPIUM

-Obsessed with Playboi Carti
-Angsty at all times
-Keeps a double cup with them
-Spent life savings on Rick Owens pants
-Never heard of Julius or CCP

OLD MONEY

-Hangs around country clubs
-Has one white grandparent
-Inspo is Donnie T
-Practices the Mid-Atlantic accent in the mirror every day
-Misses when the preakness was taken more seriously

WORKWEAR

-Never done physical labor a day in their life
-Carhartt whore
-Goes to the construction site for inspo
-Rolls around in dirt to add authenticity

ROADMAN

-Moncleeezy
-Owns sweatsuits in every color
-Wakes up listening to drill
-Actually dangerous
-Ready to commit heinous crimes at all times
-Oh fuck he just shanked me fam

SCAMMER

-Jeans are way too tight
-Balenciaga
-Mismatched designer
-Drives a Hellcat
-His girlfriend is the most dangerous white woman you have ever met

Ugly Talks...

The IDF

IDF COMMANDER IN 1968: Vladmir Smirminsky, born in a shtetl in eastern Poland, lost 18 brothers during World War II, tactical genius, fought with the partisans, died of a heart attack while burning down a Palestinian elementary school

IDF COMMANDER IN 2023: Mof Galod, born in a hospital built on top of a Palestinian graveyard, amateur DJ, murdered a 6 year old while on patrol in East Jerusalem, gets killed 30 seconds after entering Gaza

The Nixon Tapes
HALDEMAN: I think they’re called vamp, they’re big fans of Opium. Have you heard the
new ken carson?
NIXON: Opium? [grunts] what the fuck?
HALDEMAN: Yeah, it’s a record label.Playboi Carti owns it. NIXON: [inaudible]
HALDEMAN: yeah, I guess ‘those people’ actually own it.

Talking to a Police Sketch Artist
UGLY: his .. aquiline nose was carved gently onto his face, grief embedded in his
solemn eyes, his lips, plump, moist and inviting
OFFICER, DRAWING HEARTS AROUND THE SKETCH : was he white or black? UGLY: His skin was
a deep olive, a rich burnt yell—

Hanging With Africans
ETHIOPIAN: ze ah my horrible white wife ez waiting feh me at dress barn
NIGERIAN: no dey, I can’t beleeb dis, you would date black american? ah, dee-scrace
fal
SOMALI: I’m basically Nordic

SOUTH AFRICAN: [a middle aged man claps hands firmly around a cup of tea] I remember
when my grandfather killed the police officer who came for my brother, he told me
and Cecil to hide in the brush while the apartheid dogs tossed the house. The stench
of the Boers lingered after they left. I never got to say goodbye to my grandfather.

White Flight
The whites ran away from major cities to get away from black folks and crime, just to
watch their entire bloodline get erased by bathtub meth and fentanyl

Doing A Crime

GOON: It’s done boss
CRIME BOSS: and you did exactly what I said?
2ND GOON: we did good, boss. we found the fat white woman wearing big bird pajama
pants at walmart, just like yous told us
CRIME BOSS: I said cookie monstuh pajama pants, you fanook! What have you done?
[warehouse wall explodes]

Ugly Likes Sexyy Red

It’s embarrassing to hate Sexyy Red. It’s not that I think she’s above criticism. Frankly, seeing TikTok of kindergarteners quoting her isn’t an ideal situation, but that can be resolved with parents not blasting “Shake Em Dreads” on the way to daycare.

We seem to be directly linking her music to the surreptitious decline of black America Sexyy Redd rapping about hellcats is why the auto industry left Detroit and plunged the black middle class into a chasm of despair. Sexyy Red is the reason why the crack epidemic decimated DC. To some folks, her existence is uniquely a black experience; only black people would support an artist whose entire persona is the moral rot of our culture. Afro-pessimists live in a box where black people are being continually humiliated through our willingness to allow artists like Sexxy Redd to freely exist. Every time she does the “chicken-head” pregnant on stage, they die inside.

The whole thing is nonsense, though. Most people who say this kind of shit clearly don’t know white people very well. White musicians routinely displayed such utter disregard for anything resembling morality. You had rock bands (and I mean every conceivable subgenre of rock music) biting off the heads of bats and gyrating their crotches on stage for white teenagers, before going backstage and shooting heroin into their penises. Nikki Six, bassist for the band Motley Crue, used to shoot heroin into his dick. That’s an actual fact. Google it. They were also all notorious pedophiles, and open about it! These rock stars were awful people. Some of these teenage girls (unironically referred to as “baby groupies”) became famous! Sable Starr was 13(!!) when she slept with (was raped) by Iggy Pop. She dated David Bowie, Alice Cooper, AND Rod Stewart. I feel like I need to fully explain how public this was. She did magazine shoots with the rock stars, she openly dated Led Zeppelin lead guitarist Jimmy Page, she even got into a fist-fight with Lorri Mattox, another ‘baby groupie,’ since both of them were dating him!

Sexyy Red is not a degenerate. Place her up against some of music’s most decadent hedonists, and I mean the absolute shit bags of our culture, and she’s pretty average. Her butthole is brown. Okay. Almost every famous rock star you know from the ‘80s or ‘70s was a violent maniac, abused women, and groomed teens, and lived a very public life of just excess and decadence. They’re also beloved by white people.

I Just Need Two Cups Stuffed(With Freedom)

There’s nothing more American than the criminalization of black music. Nina Simone basically fled to Europe because her presence and revolutionary music became a thorn in America’s fat ass.

I remember when the GoGo clubs started shutting down-- criminalized because they claimed the events caused violence in the community.

Chicago decided drill must be stopped. Chief Keef still can’t perform Faneto within
the city limits of Chicago. The hip-hop police in NYC spend all their time trying to ruin the lives of any rapper who escapes the projects they patrol. There is definitely an old, grizzled beat cop who regrets not framing Jay-Z for murder in 1993. UK Drill rappers are dealing with the most draconian laws imagined; some rap groups are required to get permission from judges to make any new music.

The Thugger prosecution is pretty much the Atlanta DA trying to sentence Jeffrey to jail for 2000 years for lyrics. Unlike the prosecution that can’t go 3 words without almost causing a mistrial, bigFACTS founder and light of our lives, Mahadi, is a Thugstorian and knows how to separate life from lyrics.

So what happens is you see them making arguments that lines like “24 million on a nigga head” references contract killings, when in reality, he’s talking about the really dumb diamond Lil Uzi Vert put in his forehead.

For the most part, these folks hate this kind of black music because it provides an escape for the people they view as the inherent problem - Young Thug shouldn’t be allowed to thrive outside of Jonesboro while flaunting their joy. Nina Simone should never have been able to live freely and speak honestly about racism, she should have stayed quiet and poor in Polk County, North Carolina. No one escapes generational poverty on their watch.